Cereal Killers
A trip to the grocery store is rarely a brief endeavor in our family.
Case in point: cereal.
We were getting pretty low on cold cereal. All we had left in our 12 cubic feet of pantry space was a 1/4 box of Life Cereal left. No worries, though. A simple run to the local Safeway up on 15th would mitigate the morning munchies, and we would be back on progress towards conquering the daily grind. Walk up the hill, browse the cereal isle for our favorite box or two, and badda-bing, you're out the door.
That's if cereal is merely a pragmatic, alimentary endeavor to you. You know, like cereal = food, food = good, good = not feeling hungry.
See, this is yet another point of social deviancy for the Pratt's. We don't just eat cereal...we partake in it. Nay, it partakes in us. When we walk down isle 3 at Safeway, it's like the recreation of matrimony all over again. Our hands held tight, our elliptical eyes weepy with tears, offering confidence and reassurance to one another like sacraments, we begin the mystical duet down the seemingly endless row of fortified grains. Be it the offerings of mail-order low-budget films from the 1990s or the promises of a more consistent bowel movement schedule, cereal is more than just the crunchy goodness on the inside. Before our very eyes, the cereal boxes become like a rally of square-faced, snaggle-toothed children, all colorful in demeanor, playful as a Saturday morning, reaching out their grasping arms as if to say, "Pick me! Pick me!"
Then, there's the whole buy-12-get-1-free deals that really pull at the heartstrings.
'Truly, we cannot just turn down all these unadopted little morsels away...they are just too good to be true!'
'Verily,' I respond, holding back the tears of my indecisive discernment. 'But where do we go from here?'
Then, in a moment of unquestioning certitude, Kyrsten exclaims, 'Why don't we get them all?!'
...
And there you have it. A jaunt to the grocery store becomes an economic stimulus plan for the state of Kansas. You think I'm exaggerating, but see for yourself below.
That's right. Count 'em. 16 boxes of cereal. In one trip to the grocery store.
For those of you who are structural engineers, you'll quickly notice that...
(16 x cereal box) + (other non-perishable items) + (ridiculous rental rates in Seattle) > (12 cubic feet of pantry space)
Where does all the extra cereal go? Well, we can't put them next to our extra towels because that's where the canola oil is sitting, and our two extra bottles of olive oil are located in the same crate as our hair products, so what's left? Under the bed, of course! Right next to our spare set of laundered sheets...it's perfect!
...
Great. Not only do my wife and I risk mistaking hair serum for vegetable oil, but we also found oursleves sleeping on an archipelago of Corn Flakes. Just beautiful, really...
Case in point: cereal.
We were getting pretty low on cold cereal. All we had left in our 12 cubic feet of pantry space was a 1/4 box of Life Cereal left. No worries, though. A simple run to the local Safeway up on 15th would mitigate the morning munchies, and we would be back on progress towards conquering the daily grind. Walk up the hill, browse the cereal isle for our favorite box or two, and badda-bing, you're out the door.
That's if cereal is merely a pragmatic, alimentary endeavor to you. You know, like cereal = food, food = good, good = not feeling hungry.
See, this is yet another point of social deviancy for the Pratt's. We don't just eat cereal...we partake in it. Nay, it partakes in us. When we walk down isle 3 at Safeway, it's like the recreation of matrimony all over again. Our hands held tight, our elliptical eyes weepy with tears, offering confidence and reassurance to one another like sacraments, we begin the mystical duet down the seemingly endless row of fortified grains. Be it the offerings of mail-order low-budget films from the 1990s or the promises of a more consistent bowel movement schedule, cereal is more than just the crunchy goodness on the inside. Before our very eyes, the cereal boxes become like a rally of square-faced, snaggle-toothed children, all colorful in demeanor, playful as a Saturday morning, reaching out their grasping arms as if to say, "Pick me! Pick me!"
Then, there's the whole buy-12-get-1-free deals that really pull at the heartstrings.
'Truly, we cannot just turn down all these unadopted little morsels away...they are just too good to be true!'
'Verily,' I respond, holding back the tears of my indecisive discernment. 'But where do we go from here?'
Then, in a moment of unquestioning certitude, Kyrsten exclaims, 'Why don't we get them all?!'
...
And there you have it. A jaunt to the grocery store becomes an economic stimulus plan for the state of Kansas. You think I'm exaggerating, but see for yourself below.
That's right. Count 'em. 16 boxes of cereal. In one trip to the grocery store.
For those of you who are structural engineers, you'll quickly notice that...
(16 x cereal box) + (other non-perishable items) + (ridiculous rental rates in Seattle) > (12 cubic feet of pantry space)
Where does all the extra cereal go? Well, we can't put them next to our extra towels because that's where the canola oil is sitting, and our two extra bottles of olive oil are located in the same crate as our hair products, so what's left? Under the bed, of course! Right next to our spare set of laundered sheets...it's perfect!
...
Great. Not only do my wife and I risk mistaking hair serum for vegetable oil, but we also found oursleves sleeping on an archipelago of Corn Flakes. Just beautiful, really...
posted by Steve Pratt at 12:20 AM
1 Comments:
That's crazy. Almost enough for your very own Cereal Eat. You are single-handedly saving the agricultural industry.
Plus your hair is like hippie-long.
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